WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
