Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
