I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
