"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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