Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
