i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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