I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
