No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
