Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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