Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
