just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Floor bacon is actually really good
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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