she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
