So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
