I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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