and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
