Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
