Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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