This girl is more easily done than said...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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