you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
