just tell him i said nine months
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
