I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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