dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
