I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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