Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
