Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
