found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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