According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
