I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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