I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
