my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When did angry sex become our thing?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
