Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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