i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
