I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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