Where is the hickey?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
