There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
