Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
