just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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