Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
