My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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