I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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