On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
