some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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