Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
