The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
