got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
