I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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