College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
