How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I supernannyed him into submission
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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