Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
