I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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